I don't do as much writing as I should. I say this, not because I'm not bringing in enough money writing (which I'm not) but more because I feel happier when I express myself and put it out there for the world to consume through their eyes, and I haven't been doing that as much lately!
But part of the reason I don't do as much writing as I should is because I live a very busy, sometimes chaotic existence between working odd jobs, nannying, singing, acting, modeling, doing promotional work, making art and arts and crafts, public speaking, and things going wrong left and right. I do seem to get kicked when I am down about 99% of the time, and I have to work harder and longer hours at more jobs to make less money than I would at one "GOOD" or "NORMAL" job. Ugghh...
Some say I bring it on myself, and that is slightly true. I am a hippie, bohemian, free-spirit after all; I am a freelancer, an artist, a creative-type. I am not a 9-5, cubicle sitting, paper-pushing, follow someone else's orders all the time kind of person. Never have been, (pretty sure I) never will be. Not that I can't work for/with others. I can. I am just a person who needs a lot of flexibility, creative freedom, and honestly, the ability to do more than one thing. I have way too many ideas swirling around in my head to be tied down to one profession.
I am a hard worker (which seems to surprise some people who believe that all hippies are dirty and lazy) and I DO push myself to do a lot in a day. It's just that... where I am now, even what I AM doing isn't enough. It's not enough to feel satisfied, it is not enough to pay the bills... it's just not enough.
I look back at when I was a teacher and I cannot believe how different things are now. I was bringing in $1800 every two weeks at my first teaching job. Plus I had benefits, insurance, investments... My medical issues could be managed, if my car broke down, I could fix it, I never had a problem paying RENT... NOW, I am lucky to bring in $475-$575 a MONTH!! I'm not less of a hard worker, I am not less smart than I was (if anything I am wiser) and I always do quality work. But because I am a freelance creative spirit - a writer, actress, musician, model, artist, odd job Queen - I struggle. Because I am a hippie, bohemian, free-spirit below the poverty line - I struggle. Because I am a girl who grew up below the poverty line, "bettered herself" by going to college, and racked up over $30,000 in debt - I struggle. Because I am young and have EDS-hypermobility, CFS, Fibro., cysts, anxiety, bipolar, chronic UTIs, allergies, and a gluten-intolerance but "look fine" and have no insurance - I struggle.
I struggle! And when I struggle, I often end up making myself struggle more. I become my own worst enemy. I get bogged down by all the bad, and I work HARDER, not SMARTER... burning myself up from all ends. I take too much on, I extend the hours that I keep, I do way more reading and research than actual writing and I make list upon list of things to do, most of which I never even get to. I waste a lot of time and energy. But then, somehow, I BURST THROUGH!!! Like a beacon of light on the foggiest night, I will emerge victorious!!! And for that brief moment - whether it is actually writing something and getting it out there, paying a bill, getting a new job, getting booked for a movie, etc. - I feel as though the possibilities are endless; like I can do anything.
And the truth is, WE CAN do just about anything. We humans are AMAZING creatures. We just cannot be our own worst enemies. We have to live with a sense of purpose and drive and work hard to achieve our dreams. We have to believe that we can make it through anything. I mean, really... what's the other option? Give up, lay down, and die? No thanks.
I push and I fight. I do. Hence why I am writing this now. I remind myself what all this means to me; the blog, the people I've met, the people I've helped, the writing, the freedom, the creativity, the art, the rewarding hard work, the joy... and so when I am not writing as much as I should (as I have been doing...) I come here, back to the beginning, to the MAIN BLOG, my roots... and I remind myself. And I write, and the words fly from my fingers as they move across the keys and I reboot, revitalize, and am reborn yet again into my ever crazy hippie, bohemian, free-spirit world!
And so it won't matter that I don't make what I made as a teacher, or that my rent is 2 months behind, or that I don't eat every day...
WHY?
Because money doesn't fuel my life, a secure job doesn't do it for me either, and I don't care if I eat everyday or get regular sleep. I am an ARTIST! A creative soul! A HIPPIE, BOHEMIAN, FREE-SPIRIT who just needs to be revitalized from time to time and reminded that THIS is what matters - the creativity, the love, the peace, the helping of others, the release, the feeling of really knowing who you are...
So hopefully this means I will be writing more again. I'm definitely ready for another rebirth. ;)
Peace and Love,
Meagan
