I love my life. I love my lifestyle. And really, I like pretty much everything exactly the way it is. But there are downsides to the Bohemian life.
The biggest downside? No money. Financially, I am wrecked. I'm in debt from college (yay for that degree I'm NOT using...), I have credit card debt, and I owe my family and friends money. It feels crummy. I have the dream, of course, that someday my artistic talents or my performing or my writing skills will give me the big break I need to make tons of money, and then I will pay off all my debt, buy stuff for everyone I love, travel the world, and donate time and money and resources to charities all over. Will that happen? The rational side of me (yes, I DO have one...) says "Don't bet on it." It's unlikely for someone like me to have massive success. With that being said though, the dreamer in me keeps saying "Anything is possible." So I keep on going...
But it's hard NOT to stress about money. Especially when you only have $1.44 in your bank account and no idea when more money will be coming your way (as is the case with me right now). And when there is little to no food you can eat in your house (as is also the case with me right now). And when you owe friends money and you feel like you can't see them because it is just too embarrassing (as is also the case... well, you get the picture...)
But having no money is just one downside. There's also this whole thing of people not really respecting me and my life choices. Now, part of me... doesn't care. Let people think what they want. If they don't like it, they don't like it. I will still love them, but I don't want to change just to please them. But this is a hard road, this road of "I don't care." Because part of me does care. I mean, who doesn't want their parents to be proud of them? Who doesn't want people talking about their successes... instead of always talking about their failures? And who doesn't want respect? I want respect. I want success. And I want to make my friends and family proud of who I am and what I do.
But maybe for now that is a battle I must lose... I don't want to change who I am, compromise my beliefs, and work some 9-5 office or factory job just to please everyone else. I can't. It's not me.
So instead it remains a big downside for me.
Final downside? I feel like there's not a lot I can do to change the things that I actually DO need to change. Every time I try... I get screwed. Example: Tried to get food stamps. They called me while I was on Mackinac Island and couldn't talk, and now they just can't seem to find time for me.
I was finally getting unemployment. I worked one day on Detroit 1-8-7 and suddenly they say I may not qualify for unemployment anymore! I have no part time OR full time work and $1.44 in my bank account! How can I NOT qualify? So I start to feel like the world is out to get me. Like I am looked down upon. And like because I don't know how to "work the system," that I will continue to get screwed. It sucks. I've worked since I was 14 years old and I just want help. Is it so hard to help people? Maybe for some people it is...
Sorry to be so down. But if I am going to represent my life honestly, I need to talk about the bad stuff too. Maybe I am just thinking about it a lot because I just used my last bit of money on rent, our bathroom flooded today, and I'm hungry. But while it was on my mind, I figured I would share. Maybe some of you out there feel like you're in the same (sinking) boat. And maybe if you are out there, we can help each other to reach the shore. :)
Peace and Love,
Meagan
